Posted by: Jyl
in In My Opinion on Mar 07, 2011
My son Sage headed out early this morning for a day in Austin, visiting UT. He is a senior in high school and is getting close to making that big decision. As I watched him drive off, I was hit with a huge light bulb moment:
I am going to miss him when he heads to college. Not just “sort of” miss him, but “take my breath away” miss him. I always thought that I would be the mom who wasn’t going to feel the big “hole” when her child grew up and left the nest because I have always had a career, friends, a full life. However, I can see now, I am going to feel it like the Grand Canyon. It isn’t that I am not so proud of him that my heart is full, or that I think he is going to struggle when he leaves – because he won’t. It’s that I was not conscious of how much I love that young man.
I remember when he was maybe 6-8 months old and morning would come. I would go in to his room and pick him up out of his crib. He would smile that beautiful smile and “talk to me” with arms raised, ready for a clean diaper and a bottle. I would lift him into my arms and he would put his hands on my face and pat my cheeks, all the while smiling. My heart would be so full of love that it would almost take my breath away. Over the years – I have certainly had those moments and always, always have loved my son unconditionally, but as the months fly forward and I see the time when I will be leaving him at the college doors to his next chapter, my heart feels ready to break. I know that it won’t, of course, because I am so proud of who he has become and so excited for him to begin this next phase of his life, but on this morning when I watched him head out for Austin, the reality of our lives is becoming clearer almost by the minute.
Motherhood is the greatest joy that I have ever experienced. I know that as my relationship with my son grows into the next level, I will continue to find those “mom” moments when my heart feels full to burst, but I am very aware that those times will come with more time between and “the hole” will have to be filled with something else. It is a natural progression, but wow – a painful one.
The good news is that as a mom, I have done a good job of raising an independent, self sufficient young man with a good head on his shoulders. He is ready to leave the nest. Now I need to find ways to redefine my “mom” role and remind myself that all of this is a “good thing”. Consciousness relates to all aspects of our lives. This morning was a good “wake up” call for me to remember that truth.